I think maybe I figured it out. I let it all go, I quit looking and hoping and wishing and I found what I was looking for after all. Maybe we only find what we really need when we stop searching so desperately for it.

Maybe, maybe that’s when it works out the best. Like, the Universe realizes that we’re that close to turning away from everything we could be, and she jumps at the chance to fill us with hope again. Because I am, you know. Just because of this. I have hope for everyone I know and everyone I let walk away - there is something out there for all of us.

I don’t know how to explain it. For my love of words, I can’t think of any for you or for this, except for I like this, and I hope it stays this way for a while, and I’m thankful and hopeful and all kinds of good things.

Rascal Flatts keeps repeating in my head and it’s going to be one of those nights. I finally am and I’m still amazed by it.

For years, I’ve been waiting and waiting to be able to say it and mean it. To say, I’m okay, and not feel like a fraud. To say, no really, I haven’t thought about him or wished for him today, and not been a liar. To say, no, my father and my past do not affect me like they did.

For sure, some stupid shit manages to creep in. I cried in front of B* two nights ago, and tonight. But I don’t do it every day. I know I shouldn’t take that as a personal weakness, but I do. It’s hard not to, for me.

R* sent me a message via an old journal. I could for sure kick him in his teeth, if I thought it would ever change anything or the way I feel. I still feel like…I put myself out there, threw myself into it, changed and changed and changed, and still couldn’t be enough. And when I failed, he threw me aside. Well you know what? Fuck thinking like that.

I DID NOT FAIL.

I did not fail because I wanted a love he couldn’t give. I did not fail because I wouldn’t become some disgusting whore for him. I did not fail just because I couldn’t get over my past in .23 seconds and be all happy-happy for him. I did not fail because I tried, goddammit, and it isn’t my fault that my all wasn’t good enough for him.

I did the best I could, for him and by him. I didn’t cheat, I was there whenever (and I do mean whenever) he needed/wanted me, and I did all that I was asked and more. That doesn’t mean I failed him. It means he failed me, he failed us, and we just weren’t meant to be. And finally, I’m okay with it.

I see just how wrong it was. I see how difficult it is when you try so hard to force two pieces together when those two pieces don’t belong anywhere near the same puzzle. If it isn’t working, there’s a reason. You shouldn’t have to work so hard for something that should feel so right.

And speaking of feeling right, I’m falling hard and I’m falling fast and I think this is the only time that I’ve been completely terrified and excited at the same time. I’m not pushing it, I’m just letting it come. But, the boy (B*) is sleeping and I’m missing him. I think I’m going to go crawl in bed, let my ghosts go, and cuddle. It’s a pretty terrific option to have.

I never thought that this day would finally, actually come. I’m over him. And I don’t mean that as in, I’m saying I’m over him so that I’ll sleep better. I’m saying it so I can ease my mind, give myself a mental buffer.

I actually feel over him. He could walk up to me tomorrow, marriage proposals, promises of kids and the life I thought we would have, and I would tell him to pack his shit and get back to Illinois ASAP.

It isn’t just B* either. I thought that was it. I worried that was it. I’m not a bedhopper or a relationship hopper and I don’t do well with that crazy shit. It is him, but it isn’t him.

He is almost a polar opposite of R*. I love it. We sit around and rag on each other and talk and cuddle and go from crazy sex to watching MythBusters and it finally feels okay.

He met my parents last night. The first thing we did was walk out with the horses. In all of the guys I’ve dated, fucked around with, whatever… he is the ONLY one who has wanted to meet my horse, first and foremost. And I wish I’d had a video camera when he was talking to Boo, god it was adorable. And it meant something. It’s pretty cool to have someone that’s actually interested in the things I love. It means a lot.

And I mean, it’s not like we’re getting married tomorrow or ever or whatnot. But it’s nice to feel like he’s not just hanging around for sex (cough R* cough) and it’s nice to know that I must mean at least a little something to him.

I like it. I like it a lot.

Ellie:

Please always remember and don’t ever forget: Sometimes there is actually a reason that your past didn’t make it to your present. Some relationships weren’t built to last, but that doesn’t make them worth less! Remember how much he helped, but look forward to finding someone you are better suited for. There are kids, horses, the cabin and a farm in the future, plan on it!

I miss being tangled up in you. I miss the way you smelled after our showers and the way you taste. Half of me wants you to stay away and all of me needs you more than I ever want to admit.